Almost Normal

Things are settling down a little bit.  We dropped off the two older kids with their grandparent in Levan for the whole week.  It has be traumatic having them gone but extremely helpful and necessary.  Them being with their grandparents has helped me to have time to recover, time to adjust to this crazy NICU schedule and pumping.  Oh, the pumping! I think I hate pumping more then sports! Seriously, I hate pumping more then having to listen to a sports announcer (which by the way is the most annoying sound ever.)  Tomorrow we get to pick the kids up and I am ecstatic!  I can't wait to snuggle their faces and kiss their whole face off. I want to read them stories and make them lunch.  I want some sort of "normal" to be in our house.  I'm sad knowing we can't bring our baby home yet I want our family to be complete.  For now it will have to be ok to get my two kids back and settle into our own little route.  I can continue to hold the little guy at least two times a day and soon we will all be snuggling little guy at HOME!

Power of Service

Sometimes I think I deserve blessings.  You know, you do something your suppose to and somehow Karma or our Heavenly Father certainly took account of your good deeds and if preparing at least ONE awesome blessing for you personally.  There is an entitlement that comes with serving others and it's not until you're the helpless person completely unable to do anything for yourself that you understand the way blessings work.  A little over a week ago I was laying in a hospital bed wishing and willing myself to get better.  I had laid in bed for 3 weeks then delivered a gorgeous baby and now I was being told I had to stay for an additional 48 hours on antibiotics because I had a terrible infection (that by the way made me feel AWFUL).  So there I was and no matter how many prayers I sent to the heavens or how many times I made a wish I still had to lay there for those two days.  It was either then or somewhere during the three weeks previously that I realized how many blessings I had been offered through out my time of need.

I'm sure there hasn't been a time in my life when I have needed support and love from those that support and love me more then I did during my stay in the hospital. 

I truly say the work of angels! I love my sisters and mother more then most people but, you guys, these woman walked around with angel wings throughout those three weeks and I still see those wings from time to time while Louie has been in the hospital.  They swept my kids into their houses and lives like it was no big deal.  They cleaned my house top to bottom so that I could come home to clean!  They laughed with me and visited me! They were my saving grace. 

There is nothing more true to me then the Gospel of Jesus Christ and there were never better examples of my saviors love then all the people that have supported my tiny family during this critically hard time in our lives.  Christ is love and you can see that easily when you receive blessings from his followers.  Thank you to anyone that did ANYTHING for me while I was laying in bed and for those that are still doing things and I'm sure will continue to do things for my family. 

You have shown me a pure example of service.  You served me with a smile and a kind heart I felt your spirit and it lifted me when I needed it more then ever. 

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and it makes me happier then I have ever been.  I am hoping with my new understanding of blessings and service that I will have more opportunities to bless and serve others! 

My Baby Louie

Some perspective of just how tiny our little guy is.

In case you haven't heard MY BABY LOUIE is here! It was stressful and scary but also it was beautiful and   peaceful.
Sunday night Aug. 19 at around 6 pm I started feeling pretty gross and was sure that something wasn't right but after the nurse checked my vitals she assured me that everything looked good.  By 7pm I was sure there was something wrong and had her check my temp. again this time I was at 100.5 and the nurse got a little worried. She called the doctor and within 30 minutes I was being prepped for surgery.  The did an ultra sound and discovered that the baby was still breech so they felt the safest route was a c-section.  After the I.V. and the gowns for me and Jake we walked to the operating room and I was prepped for my spinal block.
Having a c-section can best be described as all the worst parts of being the Center of Attention! You're half naked in a crowd of people with bright lights and everyone is asking you how you are and how you feel but of course your NOT ok and you FEEL scared.  People who know me would have been shocked my the level of silence I had taken on at this time.  I was terrified for me and for my baby and I didn't know how to process any of my emotions so I just went internal and tried to be in my own world while everything that was out of my control went on around me.
It took the doctors maybe 10 minutes to get my little guy out.  One of the doctors commented that Louie had wrapped himself up in his cord it was twice around his body and once around his neck so it was truly a blessing that he came when he did and how he did.  He was so comfy inside that it was hard for the doctors to pull him out and he even got some bruising on his back because the doctor had to pull so hard.
He was rushed next door where he was put on a ventilator that could breathe for him and a whole bunch of other tubes that would feed him and check his vital sign.  Jake was in the room with him from the minute he was born, I of course had to get stitched back together.  After he was prepped they wheeled him up to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit).
After I was put back together they wheeled me up in my bed and they let me look at my sweet baby.  I couldn't believe how amazing he was. He was so strong and tiny and he looked like Frank but with hair.
So at 10:03 August 19 2012 Louie (after Jake's dad) Moss (after my dad) Suazo (that's just his last name) joined our eternal family.  He was 3 lbs and 3 oz and 16 inches long.

He's so bored! It had been a long day!

After the first day in the NICU he was taken off the ventilator and they took out his umbilical line which meant we got to hold him!!!!!  Holding my baby is what SEALED the deal! Looking at his perfect body and seeing how strong he is.  He is perfect! Each day he gets stronger and stronger I am amazed at the abilities of this tiny human.
Louie Moss Suazo
    My baby boy! You are so strong and beautiful it makes mom cry every time I think about you!  You are tiny but you are perfect.  Your hands are Suazo all the way and you nose is exactly like mine.  You are truly the love of my life and I am so pleased you chose me to be your Mom.  Louie you are named after two of the greatest men I know.  Men who are powerful, faithful,  loving, kind, strong, brave, tenacious, dedicated and above all two of the best father I have ever known.  I know you will wear your name proudly and you should be proud of the power that is held in those names.  We met you early and in a way I was never prepared for but I have a feeling you will be handing us surprises like that the rest of our days together.  You my boy are love.  Your sister and brother love you do much and none of us can wait until you get to come home with us and become part of the daily routine.  Your spirit is needed there and your kind heart will be a welcomed addition.  Louie, I love my Heavenly Father and I know it is because of him that I get to be your mommy forever.  I am grateful for the opportunity to see you grow up and to be a big part of it.
Love
Your MOM

Eyes open checking mom out!

Penelope Party!

Here's the deal,  about a year ago I had this idea for a blog and never followed it all the way through.  I want to finally do it and I wanted to know what you guys think of the concept?  Here is the first blog entry I put together and never posted.  I currently have 3 blog entries so I'll post them and see what you think.  

(P.S. I was going to use fake names)

Penelope Here! 

January 15th 2009 was the beginning of a new me.  Through out my life I had changed and grown in different ways but nothing prepared me for the ultimate life change of becoming a MOM! Fritz entered this world and flipped me upside down and inside out.  I was overjoyed and terribly sad.  My emotions weren't my own, I was controlled by hormones and leaking breast.  Everything this tiny human needed was my responabilty.  You’d think I would have learned my lesson but less then 20 months later Annabell joined the team against mom.  Now I was a mother and by choice a STAY AT HOME MOM!  The supreme love I have for my children has somewhat overshadowed  my intense need to be me again, the desire to be me is lingering and wanting to be feed.  With the nagging in my brain unsilenced I have chosen to devote some time to creating a new me. One that feels complete and because of that is the best mom ever.  In high school I had religion and family that defined me. In College there was theatre and friends, the single life.  Now I am mom, Mom by definition is so very unselfish that for some people you are simple a mirror reflecting everyone else and everyone elses dreams.  For me I want to be filled so that I am more for my family.  This Blog is not to be confused.  I DO want to be a MOM, I dearly love my husband and children.  I love the day to day grind of motherhood and I will eternally feel that the sacrafices I have made for my children is the ultimate blessing I could receive.  My hope is to be more filled so I can give more. 

              Were to begin?

              Examples: I have deicded to review some examples of motherhood and womanhood that I admire.  In my hopes and dreams I would be Oprah.  Spreading my wealth of awesomeness to all woman who need filling but I’m not Oprah I’m just me. So just me has to be good enough.  My ultimate goal with this blog is to  reach out and find programs and adventures for moms. Ways for woman to reconnect with themselves and create a person they are proud to be.

Some of my Ideas:

Cooking Class

Painting Class

Diet and Excersize

Water intake

Girls nights

Book clubs

Service

Shopping

Running

Scrapbooking

Crafting

Reading

Swimming

Juice cleanse

No sugar

Writing a childrens book

Reviewing theatre

Taking voice lessons

Taking improv classes

Girls night

Massage and spas

Support groups

Anything I forgot?  Anything else you'd love my opinion on?  What do you want me to see or do? Tell me what you think!

Love emails

2 Years ago I decided I wanted to email love letters back and forth between Jake and I. Turns out it was an utter fail! It seems that Jake is not super great at writing back to me so I think now it's time to publish these love letters.  

12/3/10

Jacob Ben,

        Hello my love! So I am sitting here at 1:37 in the morning and I was just caught up reading old OLD emails between an old friend and myself.  Honey, I LOVED reading them, it was like a timeline of like 4 years.  I remembered things I had written and was blown away from where I had been to where I was at the end of the letters.  The letters were from 03 to 07, isn't that incredible? Jacob I love you so much and I feel like I want to share more of myself with you. How I am feeling and where I am in my thought from day to day. I thought this might be an awesome way for us to connect to each other.  I know it takes you a long time to write on the computer but I would just think it was the greatest thing if you tried this for me.  I am feeling so emotional right now.  The letters I was reading were between my friend Henry and me.  I realized in reading those emails that I had a false reality of Henry and of our relationship. Henry made me feel so good about myself but not because he was anything special, mostly because he was so different from me that I was constantly trying to better myself.  I loved who I was becoming through our friendship, I loved when I felt so motivated to be more then I am.  I feel that way with you too! Jacob, my love, I want to write you a love letter, ! want you to know how incredibly in love with you I am.  I love your laughter and your smile. I love how amazing you are at being a father to the two most incredible children on this planet! I love your back and your arms and your hair and your eyes well just your whole body! When you kiss me I feel complete! I know you were who I was suppose to spend the rest of eternity with.  I melted when I look at you across the altar.  I knew my Heavenly Father loved me cause otherwise he wouldn't have given me you.  Right now in my life I feel happy, sure there are moments of frustration or whatever but truly, I feel happy.  It felt good to go to enrichment tonight and be around women.  I love the relationships that are built among women, they make you whole.  Do you know what I wish?  I wish I could paint, I have always wanted to but I have NOOOOO talent in that area.  I wish I could be crafty and artsy but I'm just me, hopefully my kids will enjoy their terribly crafted Halloween costumes.  I used to be worried that I would be a terrible mother but the truth is.....I think I'm pretty good! I won't just tell anyone that I just wanted to tell you.  I also think I made two of the most incredible people ever to have graced this planet.  Some people leave giant wholes when they leave this Earth that is easily YOU and our BABIES! People will weep and know you have left! Jake please write me back and tell me things. Anything.  Next time I'll ask you things and you can answer them but for now I want to just hear from you! Also ask me somethings ANYTHING.  I love you, my man, my sweet sweet man! 

      Julie Jean Suazo  

From Jake

I love you soooo much. You are the perfect wife. I am so happy that you decided to do this with me and I know some times its hard especially for you, having to take care of the little humans all the time, but they are lucky to have you as a mom and I am lucky to have you as a wife. I cant wait to have time just for us two. I know we have had that kind of down time in the past, but this time I mean to take advantage of it. Thank you for supporting me through this crappy time in our lives, It will soooooon be OVER!!!  And then on to fun forever! At least I think so.


What a guy right! These emails easily define the differences between men and women! Mine is long winded and sappy Jake is to the point and yet still powerful and loving.  It makes me laugh....just wait for the rest of the installments it gets pretty funny! 

Diva!

I'm not sure you've heard but I'm in the hospital for 100 years! Oh, you have heard? Great!

Here's the thing sitting around all day and demanding water and juice from your nurses could really go to some girls heads. Not this girl, I'm really grounded and very grateful to all the wonderful women that have been serving me here at Utah Valley. However I do like my water with tiny crushed ice and I do like it to be filled and refilled in a timely manner :) (kidding of course) 

Today my Aunt came into my hospital room and may have created the ultimate DIVA experience.  She cut and colored my hair right in my hospital room!! Can you believe that?  Man a girl could get used to this (almost).  

I feel refreshed and renewed and also a little more famous! 

I mean you have to be famous for hair dressers to come to you right? Yeah! I'm famous! Or at least I am loved by some really amazing people.  I can't believe all the wonderful gifts and service I have received from so many incredible people.  I FEEL FAMOUS and incredibly loved.

Wanna see the new color?  Ok fine here you go!

OH hey famous lady! 

YOU WIN!

Back when all the ladies got a kiss on the MOUTH from the host! TOO MUCH!

Yesterday I started watching GSN for those of you not in the loop that stands for The Game Show Network! That's right people I'm watching the seniors channel.  It's amazing how pompous you become when your not the actual person who is on the show and is answering the questions, spinning the wheel or dating the weirdo.  I'll answer the question and then shake my head at the answer given by the true competitor, thinking WOW that person if stupid of course the answer is BATHROOM.....but.....guess what the answer wasn't bathroom, not even close. It doesn't matter of course I wasn't really playing for the money but my pride take a tiny little hit every time I can't answer a pretty easy question.  Sometimes I just pretend I was right.  I'll say in my head or out loud "Um, no I'm pretty sure the answer is Bathroom but whatever." This amount of delusion is difficult to maintain but well worth the time.
Please keep this is mind if you too decide to take up a GSN addiction. Also I'm not sure it's a good idea to take up a GSN addiction unless you have a lot of free time like at least 23 hours of free time, otherwise people might say your a loser or really really old! Just saying!